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Jackelope King 12th of August, 2012 00:42

Like Baseball Hulks in a Butter Trap...
Yeah, that happened. Funny story, actually.

In a monthly game I'm running, we firmly embrace the crazy. There are serious games with epic sweeps and raw emotion. There are games that rekindle your faith in the human spirit and shake you to the core.

Then there's our game.

Tentatively titled "Project SPOOF", we're using my little d20^ game for a spy spoof, where agents of D.E.R.P. (the Department of Espionage, Reconnaissance and Procurement) work deep under cover to end the countless threats to Life, Freedom and the American Way. The game is a giant anachronism, taking place in the year 19XX ("nineteen exity-ex"). World War II was Y years ago, and World War I was even more Y years ago. It's an earnest attempt to capture the popular culture from the late 1960s to the early 1980s in America and mock it relentlessly, as our group is want to do.

The Agents of D.E.R.P. consist of:
  • Agent Tiedye, a deep-cover operative who got way to into the 60s and sort of went of the reservation. He's now sort of the Hunter S. Thompson of international espionage, but dirtier.
  • Agent Spritz, a non-descript European who hates to get sweaty (so he refuses to ever take more than 1 move a turn) and loves parties (he often takes a break from tougher missions to go to the disco or a rave).
  • Agent Senor Madame, who suffered some sort of dramatic brain trauma on a previous mission and now tends to switch accents and personalities so frequently that nobody knows if the real Senor Madame is still in there or not. They keep him (possibly her) because he (maybe she?) is a master of disguise.
  • Doctor Thorax, a German scientist who totally wasn't a Nazi during WWII, has spent his life studying bees. Weaponized bees! Radioactive heat-seeking weaponized bees! And totally not a Nazi. Nuh uh. No way. *wink*
  • Human Resources Director Steel Trap, the only competent member of the team at the moment. She's a highly skilled infiltrator who specializes in assassinations and filing paperwork. She's especially fond of the HR571-4, which has some lovely boxes to check off then sign in triplicate.
They are occasionally joined by...
  • Agent Boris, an ex-KGB explosives expert who sometimes gets so excited that he forgets to warn his teammates that he's about to blow something up. Once blew up an entire hotel full of innocent people to kill 3 KGB operatives. Loves beets.
  • Agent S.B.D., short for "Silent But Deadly", a Taiwanese kickboxer who prefers to let his hands do the talking. Because he never bothered to learn English, and never has any idea what anyone around him is saying. He relies on Agent Spritz to translate for him, who takes delight in making things up. So S.B.D. spends a lot of time beating the wrong people to a bloody pulp.

Last night, after rescuing Senor Madame from an opium smuggling-ring in Southeast Asia (every session begins with an overly-elaborate and often expensive rescue mission to bring players who have missed sessions back into the game... this time they blew up a nearby dam, flooded the jungle basin, and rescued the agent via bicycle-powered homemade submersible), the team was ordered to assassinate the ambassador to Cuba from the International Consortium of Party Clowns.

Some background is necessary here. From their first mission, the Agents of D.E.R.P. have been running afoul of the International Consortium of Party Clowns. The agents worked with the Fraternal Order of Magicians (who perform illusions, not tricks!) to assassinate the Consortium's leader, the archvillain Clownzo. Long story short, they buried him in his clown-car limo in a shallow grave then flooded it with battery acid. (And also bees. The radioactive heat-seeking kind.)

So the Agents of D.E.R.P. have been working against the International Consortium of Party Clowns for some time. And when it becomes apparent that they are trying to organize and form an alliance with Castro's Cuba, the Agents of D.E.R.P. swoop into action. They plan a visit from the Pope (with Senor Madame disguising him or herself as the Pope). But things get more elaborate from there. They travel the country recruiting dirtbags from baseball's sordid history to form a "Dream Team of Scum" to stage a baseball game between the Vatican Bees and the Cuban Revolutionaries. Castro, of course agrees. But D.E.R.P. couldn't get enough dirtbags, so they recruited the Harlem Globetrotters to fill in the gaps.

The only other non-dirtbag recruited was Bo Jackson, who, gifted with Cassandra's curse, recognized this as the beginning of his doom, and mournfully nodded, saying only, "Bo knows".

While setting up for their operation, Doctor Thorax developed a super-soldier serum, highly unstable, which would grant the team phenomenal strength as well as uncontrollable rage, if only for a few hours before the serum claimed their lives. To ensure their target was trapped in the stadium, the team procured thousands upon thousands of gallons of popcorn butter to be fired out of pressurized hoses, making the stairs in the stadium far too slippery to ascend. As they prepared, a wrinkle appeared in their plans: the Cottontail Scouts (a group for girls aged 7-16 who want to have lots of afterschool fun and hawk cookies at unsuspecting passersby... and also apparently international assassins) had been following the team.

The Agents of D.E.R.P. pursued the Cottontail Scouts, and soon found themselves in a Mexican Standoff with about 17 pre-teens. They negotiated with the Den Mother, who explained that the Cottontail Scouts were an ancient force for good, who sought to eliminate the unjust and wicked (going so far as to claim they had an agent selling cookies to a bunker in Berlin at the end of the war...). Now, the Cottontail Scouts were trying to eliminate history's greatest monster: Martha Stewart.

You see, D.E.R.P. had been framing Martha Stewart for all of their insane antics. When they attacked a UN Prison in Switzerland and murdered hundreds of guards and inmates, they did so in an attack helicopter with Martha Stewart's face pained on the front. When they attacked the opium smugglers in the jungle, they blew up the dam using Martha Stewart's private plane (killing hundreds of innocent bystanders and flooding their peaceful valley, destroying their way of life).

So D.E.R.P. was all too happy to offer totally bogus information and a few hundred thousand dollars to secure new allies in the Cottontail Scouts... as well as to procure some of their experimental Coconut Delight cookies (which the Den Mother claimed contained a potent paralytic).

Soon, it was all ready, and after a rousing seven innings of baseball, during the seventh inning stretch, the members of the Vatican Bees transformed into hulk-like monsters, baseball hulks, if you will. Their rampage was worsened by a major butter malfunction, which flooded the stadium, leaving thirty-seven thousand Cubans trapped in the stadium with 9 rampaging baseball hulks.

Bo Jackson was the last baseball hulk to retain his humanity, and as he looked into the mirror, and as his humanity was torn from him, he gave a knowing stare. Bo had, in fact, known.

The Clownbassador died not with the traditional battlecry of the International Consortium of Party Clowns, but with a new one, which the Agents of D.E.R.P. had never heard before: "FOR CLOWNZO!"

The Agents of D.E.R.P. fled the country on jetpacks, because why not? They left the Cuban military to deal with the baseball hulks.

So yeah, they never really got the whole "covert" part of the mission. Now they're getting chewed out by their superiors for handing over baseball hulks to the Cubans, only 90 miles from American shores. And for spending several million dollars on movie theater popcorn butter. And for the wanton massacre of thousands of innocent people. The agents, on the other hand, are popping champagne on another job well done. And the HR Director is salivating at the thought of all the paperwork she'll get to fill out.

Thus ends another thrilling adventure of the Agents of D.E.R.P.

Lune 12th of August, 2012 12:56

Is the dude behind the desk that is chewing them out an aging black man who is, "...getting too damned old for this shit!"?

Also, how far do I have to travel to take part in your games?

LeadPal 13th of August, 2012 19:20


Originally Posted by Jackelope King (Post 413768)
the Cottontail Scouts (a group for girls aged 7-16 who want to have lots of afterschool fun and hawk cookies at unsuspecting passersby... and also apparently international assassins) had been following the team.

Even though my campaign is srs bzns, I don't think my players would be surprised if I did something like that. "Hmm, usually the GM's Touhou references aren't quite so ham-fisted. Maybe he thinks we aren't noticing."

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